is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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