My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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