I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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