ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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