either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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