i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
