Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
