dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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