Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
