i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
