in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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