I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
