an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
