Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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