Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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