Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
