Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
