The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
