he wants to bone in the snuggie
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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