i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
