I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
