It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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