sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
is that a dick in a sweater?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
