I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
