Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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