My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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