she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
