She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
