Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
