genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
