I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
