The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
