I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
