Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Randomize
