his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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