So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Houston, we have a squirter
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
