part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
