He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
vagina is talking i cant
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
