my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I would ride that face into the sunset
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
