You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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