That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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