I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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