I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
