Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
