An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
