too bad you live with your parents still
I met the friendliest cop last night
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
