I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
