finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
