What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
