i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
