Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize