I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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