Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
