Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
